The most power we have during a conflict is to be noticed when we are triggered. Look for physical clues, sensations in your body, your telltale signs. As soon as you notice the tightness in your jaw or the heaviness in the chest, walk away. An argument is not what conversation is about as much as the strong emotional response that occurs when you triggered, and one of the keys to conflict resolution is to try not to engage when you trigger!
– Interview with Leila Talore, Conscious Prenuptial Weddings E-Course: For couples who want to start their marriage with the best chance of success
What happens to you when you are triggered? Do not change your voice? Do you feel close to your heart? What are your telltale signs? If you do not know, asks your partner; I guarantee that he or she will be able to debit your signs without the slightest hesitation!
The interview with Leila Talore that I quoted above is one of the best powerful interviews I’ve ever conducted, and I’m quite sure if both of them looked before getting married or when they were in the early stages of marriage, the divorce rate would drastically decrease. Where do we learn to notice our revealing triggers? In high school? University? From our parents? Not likely.
It is only when you are in an intimate relationship that the deepest wounds and vulnerable places are activated. And, it is also in the crucible of marriage that these wounds can heal. But we cannot heal when we have the right tools; otherwise, we are unwittingly reactivating old models of childhood and re-creating dysfunctional backgrounds. 3 reasons each couple needs a vacation
The first simple key to resolving conflicts might seem obvious: if you triggered, take a break. It could mean staying in physical proximity but taking a few deep breaths or it might mean taking a break and walking away. When you feel open again, reconnect and take your share of responsibility in the conflict. But what seems simple on paper is often deeply difficult to adopt in real life in the heat of conflict.
It is like a magnetic attraction of planetary proportions allows you to stay locked in tension with your partner. There is often a calm but insistent voice inside you that says, “If I only say this in the right way, my partner ‘get’.” When you listen to that voice and try to explain your position with increasing intensity, the escalation of the conflict.